Kickasstic Blogs

This past weekend I spent time with my dad’s side of the family at our annual Moon Lake camping getaway. My family, like most, is composed of an interesting bunch of people. One such person is my 11 year old cousin, Paul Castellanos. Paul has an imagination that when properly, uh…channeled can result in a great amount of fun. Paul loves space and anything scientific, he aspires to an astrophysicist or something along those lines. He also has a nature that makes him an easy target for teasing because he doesn’t deal with it so well. Back to the story; Thursday night, I am sitting around the campfire with Paul and another cousin, Lynn, who is roughly my age. Lynn and I are talking about work and school and Paul is sitting there “listening” and letting his ADHD get the best of him. After some time our conversation begins to loll and at about that time a shooting star streaks across the sky. I turned to Paul and said, “they are probably looking for you.” He looked at me and guessed that I was joking and said, “Yeah, those are my friends.” I then replied seriously, “No they aren’t, They are here to terminate your alien race.” He looked at me again and doubt showed in his eyes. My cousin Lynn quickly jumped in and added, “don’t you realize that your mom works for the government?” His eyes got big and he said, “I thought she worked at the VA hospital.” Lynn replied, “yes she does, but the VA is a Government hospital. The wing she work in is actually a top secret alien research center.” I quickly jumped in and said, “You are actually a top secret research project, and your “mom” is your handler. You are under observation in order to see if your alien race can blend in and live amongst the human race. The reason why we are doing this is because your alien race was nearly made extinct by a nearby waring alien race. that comet that you saw was actually a landing vehicle for a search party of aliens that are out to finish the job.” Paul’s face became ashen. I continued, “Paul, you are actually not the first “Paul” that we have had in our family. You see, there were 2 other “Pauls” before you were introduced. Each one at the time that they arrived at the age of 14 developed strange side effects that later killed them. We have tried different arrangements with each one, but have been met with failure. You are actually Paul MkIII, We are hoping that you will be our first successful project.” At this point Paul was very quiet and thoughtful, I knew that he was mine! About this time his mother came walking up to the fire, I quickly whispered to him, “Don’t tell anybody, if you do you could be dead!” He nodded his downcast head in acceptance. We sat and spoke to my aunt for a few minutes and during that time Paul acted very uncomfortable and avoided eye contact with my aunt. After a few minutes they left to go to their cabin and go to bed. The next day I told my aunt and my grandfather what I had done to Paul and both of them broke up laughing hysterically. Paul was still under the impression that he was an alien experiment and had been acting weird up to that point. He had refused to tell his mom what I had told him because he was afraid that he might be killed by the “hostile aliens.” When we finally told him you could see the relief in his face. Man, I really love kids!

A mutual friend of my brother and I had her 25th birthday on Sunday; she is a quarter of a century old now! I wrote her a poem that was inspired by a sojourn in “the office”; the most distinguished piece of furniture in my “office” is a white, shiny chair. This one is for you Jen!

Happy Birthday Jen, Twenty five is quite the feat; I still can’t imagine how you are still on your feet!

You are halfway up the hill of life, which is quite far, a quarter of a century past and still more to go. But, don’t worry, the going won’t be as slow.

You will begin to notice that a war will soon start; beginning on your face and advancing to your heart. Wrinkles will begin to invade and etch deep trenches on your face, and soon they will take permanent positions all over the place!

Gravity begins to pull stronger with every year more; mathematically speaking it pulls at a quantity plus four!

Your limbs will get heavy and will ache to move; you will wonder what happened to your youthful groove!

Things begin to soften and sag, but don’t worry; this isn’t the drag.

Your hair will turn gray reflecting your age; this doesn’t mean that you have become a wise old sage.

The clincher is when you begin to lose your mind; this is the one that is really the grind!

All in all, your youth is now done; wasted and cheated on things that were somewhat fun.

How do you feel now that you are getting old and gray? Do you feel youthful happy and gay? (not by sexual orientation)I hope not, because you are old, old, OLD, but apart from all that, happy birthday.

Doctor Laura has been advertising a cruise on her radio program and website; inviting everyone and their dog to join her on a cruise. She began to detail how much fun that they were all going to have as they hung out with Doctor Laura. All I could think was, “Poor gullible saps, I can only imagine what will happen to you. If you thought you had problems before you went, just imagine what you would think after spending an extended period of time with a psychologist; just the monotone way that she speaks would drive me to insanity” This cruise would be a cruise from hell in my opinion, it also may be a ploy by Doctor Laura made to get more friends because she psychoanalyzed away –offended/made to feel stupid–all of her previous acquaintances. Or maybe I am the crazy one…

Last night as I was driving home from my brother’s apartment after a hearty meal of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I began to think about how it was that I was eating macaroni and cheese on a Sunday night. When I was a kid, our family always had a nice dinner on Sunday but now that I no longer live with my family, it seems that my meals consist of easy made foods and snacks. As I pondered this, I realized that this must be one of the key reasons why we bachelors feel the obligation to get married. For any sane man there is only so much that one can take of Ramen Noodles and Pop Tarts. There comes a time where a man is forced to do that which is beyond his nature, he must get married or perish by the hand of the five-minute-meal industry. His desire for good nourishment and the desire not to prepare it for himself outweighs all other perks of being unchained and free. My fellow bachelors; next time you begin to date a girl or if you are already are dating a girl, think about the real motive behind it. You may think it is love or even lust, but I submit to you that it is hunger!